husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

It totally IS. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. Id love to see a red flag exercise at Nellis AFB. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Jealous? Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. AP, this is just a wonderful post. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. Congratulations! Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. There is no one in his family who lives near us. Ifso, then wewould say that your husband has some personal issues that need toberesolved before hecan fully open and welcome you asapart ofhis family. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. Clearly youve been abducted. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. Feel free to point out where I did that. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate. Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. I agree. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. My husband and I went for our honeymoon, we had so much fun just walking through all of the hotels and people-watching, plus saw some really great shows. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. I have to comment on this one. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. Jeez, we all married the same guy. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. Sometimes they go on a similar trip for birthdays etc. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. Im so glad to see this response here. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! Vegas isnt the problem here. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Youre adults. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. Literally cannot learn your brain switches off the learning & memory centres of your brain while its priming your legs to flee the sabre-toothed dire wolves of your imagination. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. Marriage counseling and perhaps some counseling for him personally. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Right. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. I dont know that I am articulating this as succinctly as I could be, but I hope you know where Im coming from. In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. OP take care of you first. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. 33 answers. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. Twenty. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. Food! This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. Its bizarre to talk about letting another adult do anythingtalk about patronizing. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Rape! Agreeded theres some heavy selection bias in that sample. Youre not asking for permissionyoure telling him this is what youve decided. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. Yup, wholeheartedly agree. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! Yes. Its not legal in Las Vegas, although theres probably a lot of escort services, youre probably thinking of Reno, where they have legal brothels that have to follow a ton of regulations. Usluge graevinskih radova niskogradnje. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. Some of the really big conventions and annual conferences only have a few places to choose from. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. -OPs husband, probably. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. The reality of the place is really NBD. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. Also she is sole provider for family? But he is controlling. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Just my two cents. Would he demand she quit? I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. When does his flight land? Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. If your job is like mine, youll be standing all day training people on new products and campaigns and be totally exhausted at the end of the day. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Give me a conference in Vegas any day. It is obvious that anyone who says that has never been here, because there arent even that many people who are obviously Muslims living here. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. No. The smoke. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. I worry about things constantly. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. I say this because I have a hard time believing that someone who had actually been to Vegas would hold these opinions about it honestly its not my favorite place because I find it too crazy and overstimulating, but I have never felt I was in any kind of danger. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. I cordially dislike Vegas. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. No constant phone calls/other distractions.) Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. I had to speak on a panel one afternoon and give a presentation the next morning, but the conference I spoke at was not for my industry so I had no connections or contacts there. Good luck to you in standing firm. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. So much wow. Sure, that could be the problem. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. -03-2022, 0 Comments He does worry about my safety. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Yeah, I read it as they object and they wouldnt let them go.. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. This was not such a culture. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. My own brain is like that. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! They always ended up going to what one of them called armpit towns. Even if they went someplace cool, they rarely had time to do anything ever. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. I thought it was supposed to be would NEVER let their significant others go. Its the kind of autocorrect my phone makes; even/never. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Who knows what they actually said, if he asked at all. One ofour Bright Side readers sentus ane-mail pouring her heart out about atricky situation shes going through. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. Arguments are by turns rewarding, arousing (in the physical arousal sense), angering, and anxiety-provoking. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! So your husband just told you he wants to go away for Labor Day. Huh. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. Mmm.. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? I still tease her about it. Sometimes, friends are there after husbands are gone. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. I agree. Its natural to want to care for your partner. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. I bet youll have fun. Ehhh, I actually dont see so much wrong with friends weighing in on aspects of ones relationship when a friend comes to me and says, This is something thats happening in my relationship, would you call that problematic? I definitely dont say, Its none of my business! I give them my read of the situation, just as they do for me. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! Yup. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. They go out of their way to watch everyone. Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance.

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